Loss is universal and present among all walks of life, but there is often a misconception about loss. The misconception that loss is the same negative impact for everyone. Some losses are heartbreaking, but others come with lessons and progression. In this project, five strangers in five separate situations explain their loss and the experience that came with it.
John Kuehn lost his mother.
John Kuehn’s grandmother was the product of an arranged marriage. She immigrated from Russia following her parents to Jersey City in the US, and when she got there, her parents had a husband waiting for her. Those two went on to have six children, one of them being John’s mother.
Now John was brought up in that same city in the northeast. He lived within a 2 block radius with the rest his family. His mother and father owned a restaurant in town that they devoted a lot of their time to, so many times John and his younger six year old sister found themselves at the house alone without home cooked meals. He often times went to the restaurant to eat meals. Regardless of the odd life at home, Kuehn calls the culture that he grew up in different and great. But times were different then than they are now. His family was in close proximity to one another, but now they are spread all across in America living in New York State, Minnesota, Texas, Florida, California and a couple other states.
The story of Johns mother’s struggle with dementia started way before she even developed the slightest symptoms of it. Not only did his mother develop the tragic condition, but his father did as well. His father lived with dementia for six years, but it was a different form. He lived with short-term dementia. “He knew what was going on in the world but he didn’t know what was going on now. You’d hit him in the arm and a minute later he’d go, what the hell?” John said. John’s mother was sane throughout the years that her husband was going through this trial, and she was the one who took care of him. She was his main caretaker. He died at 95.
After his death, John’s mother went downhill because she no longer had a job or a quest as caretaker to keep her busy and essentially sane. She suffered from a different form of dementia that caused her to lose her ability to retain longer-term memories and facts. She sometimes would introduce John as her husband to her friends. She knew that she had a problem and she knew to call him when she needed something fixed, but she never really comprehended that John was her son. The impact of dementia alters the host in a massive way. “They become different people. They’re not the father I grew up with or the mother,” John said. She really wasn’t the same person anymore, and John became her main caretaker.
She was in a nursing home for 3 years before she passed at the age of 93. The last thing that John said to his mother was, “Let it go.” He wanted to let her know that it was okay not to wake up and to rest. Throughout life all people are trained to do is fight death, and that is why a lot of humans live so long. He would rather have six months left in life than spend six years suffering through treatment for a disease that he knows would ultimately end his life.
John’s mother was laid to rest 8 months ago. Since that time, life for him has drastically changed in many aspects, obviously, but one of the biggest areas of change for him is his liberty. A lot of time goes by now that would be occupied by him spending time by the bedside of his sick mother. He went to the nursing home every day to spend time and check up on her. Instead of feeling sorrow, he has been surrounded by a feeling of relief. A relief that dwells within him because he knows that she is free from the captivity of her forgotten mind. She is at rest.
The death of his father and especially his mother have given John fair warning. Dementia was present in both of their lives, and he firmly believes that it is only a matter of time before it plagues his. He decided to begin making preparations for his children in advance so they won’t go through the troubles and heartache that he persevered through. He pays 500 a month for nursing home insurance so he won’t have to give up the building that he owns for he hopes to pass it down through the generations of his family.
Deja lost her identity.
Deja Brown, 19, is from Maryland and is a Communications major studying at West Virginia University. Her father works in the secret service and her mother works in the government, so the household that she grew up in was different than most other children.
“When I first came to college, I had my life together, I knew what I wanted to do, and then school started and I became friends with all the wrong people who did all the wrong things. Ultimately over time I felt empty. At a certain point I felt that I lost who I am” said Deja
Before she came to college she was very involved in the creative arts. Acting, music, and especially dancing consumed a lot of her time. It was time well spent in her eyes because those were the things that she was most passionate about. She enjoyed attending school because it was never difficult for her and because the group of people that she surrounded herself with held to the same interests and values as her. But it took her hitting a low point in her life while at WVU to realize how important all of those passions were to her.
The pivotal point in Deja’s life was the summer before her freshman year. She was taking summer semester classes when she found out that her boyfriend of three years cheated on her. “At first I thought it was fine. I was going to school and there would be guys everywhere,” said Deja. “But all of the hurt that I took from that and ignored resurfaced in my relationships and the way that I was acting.”
“I lost the entirety of who I was and who I was raised to be.” said Deja.
These changes were evident to the point where her mother was able to point out the abnormalities that Deja was yet to recognize herself. Her mother was also the one to remind her of what she really loved. “She started asking me when the last time I had danced was,” said Deja. “I got here and I stopped like I had never even danced before.”
Now that she has realized that path that she is treading on, she is making efforts to reverse the tide that’s taking her so far out. “The steps that I’ve taken have been small, but definitely reassuring.” She’s gotten back to writing songs and recently made a music video that incorporates all of the passions she’s previously held. Like-minded people are beginning to drift her way and she is slowly but surely forming a community of creative minds with aspirations beyond the nightclub. “Being around that energy made me that I’m just wallowing in this person that I don’t want to be but that I’m stuck in,” Deja said. “Then I realized that I wasn’t stuck that I just wasn’t moving.”
Deja believes that her purpose is to change lives musically. She believes that sharing her story through music helps her to remember who she is. These tribulations have taught her that false identity causes a stall in success. That the best path to success and fulfillment is staying true to values, passions, personality and morals. She now holds a strong emphasis on not altering what she’s about to suit any setting. The process of this change due to self-realization is slow, but surely coming along.
Brooke Bleifus-Hennen lost love.
Brooke Bleifus-Hennen, 20, is a sophomore criminology major studying at West Virginia University. Born and raised in Wheeling, West Virginia
Brooke got close to her boyfriend over the summer at an internship. They had known each other previously from going to the same high school, but they never took interest for each other. He was a grade higher than her so they were always at a different stage in their lives. They kept in touch over the next five months and eventually developed feelings for one another. They were starting to get comfortable with each other and love one another.
That relationship was different than any other one that Brooke had previously been in. It was more mature, they connected easily, and they were great at communicating with one another. Their personalities complimented one another and the way she felt about him was unparalleled with her feelings for anyone prior. “He made it really easy to be really attracted to him, and he really understood me too, which is cool,” said Brooke.
The flaws and concerns in their relationship itself were evident to Brooke though. Whenever school was in session she had to leave him behind in Wheeling and travel to Morgantown. The long-distance aspect of the relationship was hard for him especially, and him being a year ahead of her didn’t help the cause. He didn’t want each other being an influence on their post-graduate aspirations. “It scared him that I had these plans after I graduated to leave West Virginia and go towards the DC area,” said Brooke. He wanted to stay in the Wheeling area and informed Brooke that he didn’t want to hold her back from doing what she wanted.
The beginning of the end of their relationship started at the end of November of 2017. They weren’t talking as much as they had in the past and Brooke immediately knew something was wrong and exactly what it was. All of her emotions hit her at the same time and she spent that time reflecting, crying, and trying to figure out what needed to happen, even if it was the very last thing she wanted to think about. She decided to text him that they needed to talk. “I knew in my mind exactly what that conversation was going to be like and I was dreading it because I knew what the outcome was going to be as well.”
The night of the conversation, Brooke was overwhelmed with uneasiness for she knew the conversation that took place would most likely conclude with the two separating. She always had the feeling in the back of her mind that things weren’t going to work out, even at the peak of their relationship.
The words that stuck with her the most in that conversation were from her boyfriend. “I don’t want that and I don’t want to hurt you through that so we might as well just end it now.” “At that time when he said that I wasn’t thinking much of it, but now I think back on it and it hurts because it made him seem like it wasn’t worth it, and he told me it was,” said Brooke.
Losing the relationship with the person that she felt for more than anyone prior was overwhelmingly hard, and the hurt still lingers into the present day, but surprisingly she handled everything a lot better than she thought she was capable of.
Life is different for Brooke now. She no longer has that one person who she can go to with all of her problems and that is the biggest difference for her. Having a person to share with and receive all of your thoughts, emotions, stories, and experiences with and then losing that source altogether leaves a gaping hole. “There’s some things that I would love to talk to him about and it just kind of hit me recently. All of these emotions that I should have been feeling when we first ended things I am feeling now.” The void has been present and hard to fill, but faith and friends have contributed to her handling his absence better than she imagined.
But with loss comes gain. Brooke has gained a sense of security in that she can handle curveballs in a very mature way and has also learned a lot more about the complexity of relationships. But the most important thing that she figured out was the weight of the past is heavy, and it is best to let things go.
“I don’t feel resentment towards him. I don’t feel negative at all.”
Shannon Dowling helps create beauty from loss
Shannon Dowling, 45, is the owner of a fair trade store in downtown Morgantown. She is from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and moved to Morgantown 8 years ago after traversing both coasts of the United States. At her store, she brings products in that are hand made by marginalized artisans all over the world. These artisans are in inadequate living conditions, they’ve had hardship, and are in situations that make it difficult for them to sell their products to a market and make a living. Shannon helps to sell these items and give the money back to those who make them.
One thing in particular that she sells is the Article 22 jewelry collection.
From 1964 to 1973 the US dropped a total of 250 million bombs on the country of Laos. This was the Secret War on Laos. Because of this, Laos is the most heavily bombed country per capita in the history of the world, BUT one-third of them never detonated and remain in the ground. If the farmland of the Laotian people wasn’t already destroyed from the excessive bombing then it was contaminated by the undetonated bombs that were buried beneath. Many owners of the land lost the living that they so heavily depended on, and considering agriculture was a massive part of the economy for this country, the loss was heavy and evident. “We rendered 70% of their farm land unusable,” said Shannon. “There not only was there loss of life and their family and friends… they lost their entire way of life.”
The line of jewelry that Shannon sells is made from those undetonated bombs. Article 22 brought helped to bring jewelers to Laos in order to teach the people there how to make the pieces and turn them into something beautiful. The Laotians make the product and it is sold by people just like Shannon all across the world, and the people of Laos are making a full living wage so they can support their families after everything they’ve lost. The whole thing comes full circle. “We’re able to give back in some respect by buying back some of these bombs that we dropped on them in the form of this beautiful jewelry,” said Shannon. “It is a way for us as Americans to be a part of rebuilding something that we destroyed.”
The thing that make these pieces so special aside from look are the fact that they were created as a way to cope and recover from other’s loss. From devastation came this beauty, and it doesn’t only serve as something that catches the eye, it serves as a reminder of perseverance and the process of restoration. “The story of taking something ugly and turning it into something beautiful is what drew me to [the line] in the first place”
The rest of the bombs won’t be cleared until the year 2025. That’s seven years in advance until the 70% of farmland that was bombarded is rendered useful again. That leaves a lot more time for reflection and recovery. “The conversations that I have with people about this jewelry is a way to bring it to their minds that it did happen and it can happen again. Maybe think about how to prevent these types of things from happening in the future,” Shannon said.
She hopes to one day travel overseas and meet a lot of the artisans of these necklaces and rings in person to hear their story first-hand. She understands that there is a lot of learning to do in the future and more people need to know about this secret past that we as Americans have. With the knowledge from then, the same mistakes are less common to happen, and with the avoidance of those mistakes there will be less hurt and loss.
With that being said, loss will always be present. It is just a matter of turning the tragedies bestowed upon people into something positive, if possible.
James Johnson lost his respect and privilege.
James Johnson, 59, was born in Greensboro, North Carolina. He grew up with six other siblings all throughout his childhood that his mother had to care for and look after by herself because his father was killed when he was only seven years old.
James came to WVU for law school with a friend, but he ended up staying for the long run. Now, at the age of 59, he works in the Mountainlair on the downtown campus. At a first glance, James is an upbeat person who makes an effort to encourage and greet almost every stranger that comes his way. If one looked at his positive attitude they wouldn’t be able to pull a shard of hurt or fear from it, but unfortunately his losses amount to just that.
Growing up as an African-American male in a predominantly Caucasian society can be daunting. The history of African-Americans goes all the way back to the days of slavery where they were considered as property—not even people. A lot of racism still exists today in certain places and with the way that many black men have been treated and stereotyped in this day and age show that these conditions are still rooted I the US today.
There is more than enough evidence of this in the life of James Johnson. He was drawn on by law enforcement two separate times in his life. One instance was for simply being black. Cops ran up on him while he was walking his dog in the early hours of the morning. The scary thing is that it happened right in Morgantown near Dorsey Ave. “The sheriff department rolled up on me and they jumped out and they said show me your hands. They asked where is the gun and I had a coffee cup in one hand and a dog leash in the other and I said no gun” , said James. “It felt like forever. I started praying and they jumped back in the car and took off.” Afterwards James felt dead, hopeless and blessed at the same time because he considered himself the lucky one since many others didn’t make it in that situation. “I lost everything – my privilege, my power, my respect. I lost everything in that moment.” said James
James has experienced racial profiling, discrimination, and prejudice for his entire life. There are many other times where he may not have been drawn on, but he has been harassed by law enforcement and even regular people. Him being a man makes him dangerous in the eyes of others and the color of his skin makes him suspicious.
This loss of the sense of security and this belittlement makes the life of James Johnson and many other black men in the US undeservingly hard.
James hopes to be part of the solution to this racist problem. He has talked to officers and believes in communication. Crying out not only to the people who sympathize with you, but with the people who cause the stress to the situation as well. With recent “We have to talk to the other side, law enforcement, and discuss a better way. Sometimes they think we’re making this stuff up but it happens. I won’t say that it happens daily, but it happens a lot,” said James.
Instead of cowering to the monolith of oppression that he has undeservingly received throughout his life, he has risen above it. “ I’ve learned that I am a strong, African-American man. I am a king, and I deserve the same treatment, respect, courtesy that is extended to others,” said James. Also, his oppression has also taught him that being idle during this situation that extends beyond him is not an option. There is work for him to do in order to make life better for others in the same predicament that he’s in. He believes that being active in this issue is important especially for the younger black men that are coming up.
“I talk about this to get it off my chest, not to be a victim. I share this so I can get the story out and help others be aware so they can get home safe.”